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2009-02-14 - 8:00 a.m.

another myself

if i take some time to come up with the right next thing to say, i give the misimpression of having disengaged from our conversation.

you disengage from topics in conversation by being quiet, i've noticed.

so i've been finding myself speaking filler, just in order to say something.

now, i tend to use anecdotes to say things i think are worth saying, because this lets you know not only what i'm thinking, but how i've engaged with the topic, so you have more information.

and if one doesn't talk very much, the things one says are quite often important by default.

but if i'm talking for the sake of saying words to maintain a pace of conversation, and also using anecdote to come in at an important point, it's no longer clear what's important and what is trivial.

and if i articulate the trajectory of the things i'm thinking on the way to the point i'd like to make, for the sake of saying something, you stop listening long before i get to where i mean to go.

and instead of thinking about how to fix what's not working here, i've started messing with you, which isn't a kind thing to do at all. i like to see how many topics i can touch on after you stop listening to me and before you make the next move in conversation.

between three and seven.

part of this is related to my cognitive deficits - when i am saying words, there is a lag between when i recognize a social cue and when i can respond to it appropriately. it's as if i only have a limited supply of agency, and rather than approaching this problem as a challenge to myself, i'm being lazy and unkind.


because i know i keep talking after you stop listening, i have to keep track of the things i've said to you that probably registered, versus the things i've said to you that probably didn't.

and that puts me in your business in a way i'm not too sure about.


the point is, that i like you, and it's unlikely that we'll keep in touch after you move away unless i can improve myself.

* * *

reading: a sorrow beyond dreams, by peter handke. wow, this one cuts deep and hits close to home.
listening to: grizzly bear feat. a soft pink truth - a good place.
working on: making cupcakes filled with caramel, for journal club next week.

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