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2008-10-22 - 12:43 p.m.

i am the new me

almost to the day, it's been half a decade since the effects of the brain infection began to manifest. it's been slightly more than four years since i was correctly diagnosed and treated. several diagnoses down the road, it is still not clear what is actually, persistently wrong with me.

i've talked to people who are glad they got sick - that the time they spent wishing they would die was worth it, to have a whole new world open up before them. or they learned important lessons about life through suffering, and they've incorporated disability into a rich and novel creative process.

i never wished i would die, and i'm not glad for this illness. in no way do i give it credit for who i am or what i have become. it is not in any way integral to myself.

but i've recently realized that i would no longer choose to turn back the clock and become the person i was before i became ill. i've accomplished too much since then, in the face of everything.

* * *

listening to: 65daysofstatic - music is music as devices are kisses is everything
reading: an article on discrete chain graph models.
working on: making fliers for the classes my husband will be teaching in the spring. did i remember to tell you? his new titles are 'assistant professor' and 'research associate.'

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