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2007-01-12 - 10:10 p.m.

since we've talked, from the time before last to the last time

dan and i were married in may, at an arboretum during a lilac festival. we’ve been living together for over a year, since i left school. i never thought i would be happy in manhattan, but it as it turns out, i love it here and i will be sad to leave.

i will not miss our current living arrangement when we go. we share a small apartment with a roommate and her friend. the roommate is 26, but she behaves more like an immature 19, or a precocious 12. i...have some doubts about her character that make it difficult for me to like her. also, she is not courteous in her use of the common areas, or careful with other people’s belongings. i think that’s all I have to say about that, right now.

dan has a postdoc lined up in north carolina. (he will finish his thesis in may, and defend in september.) i've applied to a doctoral program at the same institution. i am interested in the mathematical theory that underlies the reconstruction of evolutionary relationships. it is actually very similar to what i was doing as a physics student.

in north carolina, we are going to buy a house. i will build a wall of bookshelves, paint the ceilings and plant hosta in the side yard. in the kitchen, i will have café curtains and a double sink.

now, for the part i hate to talk about, and the reason why i have been so bad at keeping in touch: i’ve been diagnosed with a chronic, nondegenerative neuropathic disorder with symptoms very similar to those of MS. it’s been frustrating to deal with an illness that is so capricious, and i am constantly being thrust up against my limitations. the physical challenges are one thing – most days, i use a cane – but the cognitive deficits are quite another. sometimes, i lose my keys. other times, i lose my words. i lean on dan more than i would like. he has been wonderful.

here is what i have learned, these past few years: suffering is not ennobling, and pain just makes you mean. some things are neither right, nor fair, nor deserved. despite everything, i am happy most of the time, within this dialectic of ephemerality and permanence. i am not sure how to explain it better.

i work in the lab, i drink tea, i walk in the park, i come home. when i was younger, i was afraid of losing people, but now i realize i simply hadn’t lived enough to circle back to you.

love love love love love.

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