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2023-12-04 - 9:32 a.m.

december again, somehow

q: what is wrong with your father-in-law?
a: improbably, he has not yet shuffled off this mortal coil face down in a big pile of other people's girlfriends and a scarface quantity of cocaine. now that cognitive decline is in the mix, this is everyone's problem.

he's a lot of fun, and he's careless and reckless. he simply never thought he'd get old.

q: what issues are in play?
a: dementia (precludes rehab), substance abuse (precludes memory care), lymphoma (avoiding doctors), bad finances (house in foreclosure, suspicious atm withdrawals, credit cards maxed, bills unpaid, possible financial abuse), bad living conditions (house is gross, with random gross people randomly living there).

q: how is everyone holding up?
a: mixed bag.

q: how are you holding up?
a: for the moment, i am following sundial rules - tempus fugit, count only sunny hours. also, shark rules - don't stop moving or you'll die. when i pause to reflect, i feel bad about my whole life, where i am in life, how i have failed and failed and continue to fail myself every single day.

i show up for my children, and i show up for my husband, and i show up for my father-in-law, and i showed up for my sister before she crossed a particular line, but if i do not show up for myself, nobody else really gives a shit about most things that matter to me.

q: it sounds like something needs to change.
a: that's not a question.

* * *

reading: catching up on old new yorker issues for completeness' sake, before they go in the bin.
listening to: music from my son's video game. he's home from school with a cold, quietly playing kirby on the couch.
working on: christmas holiday.
in the garden: it's so pretty, all the textures and movements and fading shades of brown.

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