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2016-07-30 - 6:02 a.m.

short letter, long farewell.

i. i am in unbearable physical pain. you are the only one who can make me feel better. please stop what you are doing and come here to care for me.

ii. i took medication because you told me to, but it didn't help - i knew it wouldn't - so i took more and more and more and now i am dizzy and confused and still in pain. i need you to come care for me.

iii. how dare you call emergency services, making a big deal out of nothing. all i needed was a little bit of human compassion, but i guess you love stirring up drama and acting like a hero in front of an audience. you don't actually care about me. you are a bad person and a bad friend.

* * *

that friendship did not last.

and this week, i watched my sister re-enact the same damn dysfunctional drama, word-for-word as if she were reading from a script.

since completing her phd, she's been living the life of an attic-dwelling victorian madman.

she mutters and paces. she suffers from dread. she falls into rages and takes to her bed for days or weeks at a time. she persists in a complicated medication regime for her nerves and many ailments, albeit to no discernible effect.

she is simultaneously obsessed with her shortcomings and failures, while believing she is better than others and deserves great things based on this intrinsic superiority.

she craves the company of people and yet she shuts herself away from any interaction. only a select few trusted caregivers are permitted to approach her.

* * *

i had hoped that she and i would have a close relationship once the baby came. we would spend weekends together at her condo in the city, taking him to museums and cultural events and speaking to him over his head in french and german - after all, nothing inspires a child to learn a second language more than the desire to eavesdrop.

but this hope now seems just as pathetic and delusional as her belief she will return to teaching in the fall.

* * *

reading: textbooks, preparing lectures.
listening to: public radio.
working on: cleaning the house for company.
in the garden: we are enjoying summer squash and spaghetti squash and cucumbers, and best of all, tomatoes ripe from the vine. a baby rabbit ate all my beans, most of my beets, and some carrots - when i see him hopping around the yard, i feel like farmer macgregor.

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