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2013-03-22 - 6:23 p.m.

self-regulation of intangible commons.

it's all pushing at me from the inside. something is in there, and it has taken out the phone battery and locked all the doors.

force any truth as far as it will go, and it will reveal its brutality. maybe i can trust her and maybe i can't. why are we pressed to let people show themselves at their very worst?

why do i need to look in that box?

* * *

you'll be surprised by who doesn't love you enough to stay.

and, being sick, you'll find you begin to attract people who don't have much to offer anyone who is in a position to choose friends. they like the feeling that they are easily accepted and needed, so you become a magnet for these bottom-feeders, people with a perverse love of suffering, those with nothing better to do, people who prey on your resources and time.

i love the people who say it straight: "i am afraid you will die. i am afraid you will live but not be normal, that i will have to make plans around your sickness, and my own self-preservation urges me to avoid you like the devil on my shoulder."

* * *

reading: i am revisiting speedboat, by renata adler. there's a tone shift that happens about halfway through, and i'm keen to pin it down. i only noticed as i imagined this book being read aloud in my friend kate's wonderful deadpan, but then that voice was no longer the right one. huh.
listening to: noah and the whale - waiting for my chance to come.
working on: guess. just take a guess.
in the garden: the thalia narcissus are coming up and they actually made me cry by being so beautiful. or i am just a mess right now, either way.

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