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2007-09-24 - 8:22 p.m.

b is for brain damage

idaho surprised me. we drove through miles and miles of cracked black basalt, implacable, indifferent and terribly beautiful. it struck me like a metaphor, a punch to the gut. something hurt and i wasn't sure what it was.

i was so fragile then.

sometimes, i wish i were covered in disfiguring scars. at least they would be obvious. i had to re-learn how to walk, how to hold a conversation, how to keep existing when life is just a plain disappointment laughing in your face. these days, i look at people in the grocery checkout and wonder if they are like me, still striving despite all reason and experience.

nobody wakes up in the morning and thinks, "today - right now - i will become chronically ill," any more than one decides to develop an addiction or fall in love. you don't realize where you are until you are in the midst of it, and then you can't do anything but try the best you can.

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